What--If Anything--Went Wrong?

Maybe it's just the hangover talking, but I'm beginning to reassess a few things.  During the back and forth about calling the election for Obama between Karl Rove and one of the interchangeable blonde bimbos on Fox News, I had some heretical thoughts.  Dad was weeping into an empty tumbler that had four fingers of scotch in it a few minutes earlier.  Could it really be that more Americans preferred the current occupant of the White House to the guy running against him?  It seems so.  While most of my acquaintances from Party HQ speculated about busloads of jihadis who voted at multiple swing state precincts, my thoughts were more introspective.  I looked at Dad with new, yet older, eyes, and saw a bitter partisan whose resentment blinded him to facts that were directly in front of him--facts he walked into face first on election night.  I could not cry with him, because I didn't know what I would be lamenting.

I sense a change of direction in this blog.  I'm a champion brachiator, and I grab the branch that's there, or I'd fall to the ground.  Reality, even when it's an unwelcome surprise, is better than self-delusion.  More later.

Sorry, Dad.

FiveThirtyHate

Are you as angry with liberal hackmeister Nate Silver as I am?  This guy takes data, sends it through his Democratic spin cycle, and thinks he's brainwashing the electorate into voting for President Poopy-Pants.  I don't care what the polls say, because they're all skewed.  No way is that magic underwear going to fail.  It's gonna be Romney-Ryan--they said so.

I'm going over to Dad's place after the polls close for a victory party.  The banana liqueur will flow like scotch!  (Hey, we're not Mormons.)  I'm going to tweet Silver all night, taunting him about his ridiculous "model" which consists of calling DNC HQ and asking what numbers to publish.  Seriously, this guy is predicting that candidates will get, for instance, 294.3 electoral votes!  You don't need a PhD in mathematics to know that's gotta be wrong.

And after all, we've got the ground game going.  We send out robocalls to Democrats telling them to report to the wrong polling place, or on the wrong day.  We throw out Democratic registrations, provisional ballots, and absentee ballots.  We're suppressing every vote we can right into the ground, and it's no game.  Democracy is OK as long as we win, but if it looks like we won't win a fair election, then fuck democracy.  That's what Dad says, and he's hit the minority voter on the head.  Really, he just hit a minority voter on the head--he was trying to vote early.  Can't have that.

Gravedancing or Maximizing Opportunity?

We patriotic Americans take a lot of gas for jumping on every dead American to see how we can twist the circumstances to our political advantage.  What the pantywaist crowd doesn't understand is that waiting for facts to come out is for losers.  We make up our own facts.  It's not enough that Captain Phillips was kidnapped; we skip straight to the assuming he's already dead. (Hi, Dad!)  Ambassador Stevens was killed, which was great--uh, I mean tragic, but that isn't enough.  He has to have been butt-fucked by mobs of greasy A-rabs.  So we just say he was and defy you to prove that he wasn't, and deny the video proof when you do provide it.  Just getting the mental image out there is a victory for the forces of Right-eousness.  We slur Obama, gays, and Muslims all at the same time!  It's a three-fer!  Look, if defiling the memory of brave Americans is what it takes to defeat President Poopy-Pants and install our (regrettably heretic, but you can't have everything) friend of the people (well, the incorporated ones, anyway) Mitt Romney in the White House, that's what Jesus would want.  And if he doesn't, it's what Jesus should want.

Gravedancing?  Maybe.  But it's a victory dance, wimps, and we'll do it every time.

The End of the World as We Like It

There is a special place in Hell for former idol John "Banana Brain" Roberts.  I have translated for his helper monkeys for the last time.  How could this dependable titan of jurisprudence turn into a moron/traitor/Commie in just a few minutes?  The man was a genius when he ruled in our favor.  All he had to remember was "Obama bad...Obama want law...find law unConstitutional". How could he fuck that up?

Don't ask me to explain why Roberts was wrong according to Constitutional law.  My dad says that's what we pay Nino for.  I just know a hero of mine let me down today.  I'm hurting.

The Menace of Vote Fraud

The socialist media corporations have been allowing the publication of news stories and opinion pieces that point out that there are no actual cases of vote fraud that a rational person thought required legislation to fix.  I believe this betrays a poor understanding of the term "vote fraud".  Right-thinking people know that any time a Democrat convinces someone to vote for him or her, it constitutes fraud.  Therefore, anything patriots (Republicans) can do to suppress the Democratic vote reduces vote fraud by definition.  It is a well-known fact that minorities and poor people make inferior voters anyway, and this is proven by their propensity to vote Democrat.  (Ha ha...I left off the "ic"!  What are you gonna do about it, Democraps?  --I topped myself with that last misspelling, which, I want you to know, was intentional too.)  So we're doing everyone a favor by making it harder to vote.

By the way, we're still going to make the same old comments every election about dead people voting for Democrats and homeless people being bribed by ACORN to vote numerous times.  We don't really care if they were ever true, and we aren't concerned by the contradiction between those old insults and the supposed fraud-free conditions brought about by our voter suppression project.  If some of you guys can make wild unsubstantiated claims about electronic vote fraud orchestrated at Diebold headquarters, we can make up stuff too.  Like my Dad always says, truth is overrated.

Your Tax Dollars at Work, Re-Electing Comrade Poopy-pants

Barack Hussein Obama has made more campaign trips at public expense than any former President.  What was the purpose of having the Supreme Court make it legal to buy the Presidency if Commissar Boogerbrain is going to leverage his position to cancel out our advantage?  It's NOT FAIR.  Why shouldn't he have to launder some of the tax and contract giveaways we promised our backers through a SuperPAC like we're going to have to do, instead of converting tax money directly into his campaign?  If there's anything I hate worse than a Commie, it's a smart Commie.

The Truth Hurts

...and that's one reason you aren't going to see much of it on this blog. As my dad always says, "True is nice I guess, but useful is better." I'll be using whatever I can to save this great nation from Barack Hussein Obama, or as I call him, Comrade Poopy-pants.